Rules of a Modern Marriage There’s no magic formula for a successful marriage, but there are certain ‘rules’ of relationship etiquette which have evolved over the years to suit our modern lifestyles…
Old Rule: Spend all your free time together and be suspicious of any time that your partner wants to spend away from you.
New Rule: Today marriage counsellors advise that husbands and wives should have flexibility in their marriage, retaining a certain amount of personal and individual interests.
Outside friendships give a broader perspective and help keep life interesting. Julia Greer, an independent relationship counsellor for over 18 years adds, “The couple need to negotiate time for their relationship and have time for their separate lives. Getting the balance between the two is the ideal to aim for.” Constant togetherness is not considered healthy for any relationship so a wide network of friends and an interest in personal hobbies should be encouraged.
Old Rule: The woman is responsible for looking after the home, and all the housework that goes with it!
New Rule: Now it is considered more appropriate for household chores to be shared according to who has the skills, time and inclination to do them.
 “Couples must be able to work this out for themselves. It is usually easier if both have lived away from home and are used to fending for themselves. Problems only begin to occur when one half of the relationship takes for granted what the other is doing for them,” Julia says. Jobs, children and other lifestyle factors mean that there should be a certain amount of flexibility regarding who does what tasks. Although women do generally take on the bulk of housework and want chores completed in a certain way, husbands should be sensitive to the demands of running the household.
Old Rule: Major upheavals and crises are the true test of a marriage.
New Rule: How you cope with small, everyday events, both positive and negative will determine your relationships success.
Weathering the impact of a job loss or family illness can deepen your bond but research has found that it is the daily give-and-take that sets the tone for your married life and its long-term future. “These everyday events are an opportunity for the relationship to grow,” says Julia. Devote attention to your spouse throughout the day and don’t underestimate the importance of small gestures such as kissing hello and goodbye, asking about each other’s day at dinner and holding hands. It is these interactions that will determine your connection when your relationship hits a rough patch.
Old Rule: Your partner should have a similar background to you for a strong union.
New Rule: A marriage with negotiating and compromising skills is far more important.
Julia explains that there are three different levels on which we choose our partner. First, is the circle of friends that we move – this is where a lot of couples meet their partners. Secondly, personal preference plays a role, in terms of looks, personality, sense of humour and so on. Lastly physical attraction and chemistry are important. For a successful relationship Julia believes that you need two out of the three. It’s not important if you come from opposite social and geographical backgrounds, as long as you share other personality traits. Relationships are influenced more by how important decisions are positively resolved, such as the importance of career growth for one partner or the decision to start a family, than where your parents live.
Old Rule: When a couple became parents, their romantic relationship takes a back seat.
New Rule: Today’s advice emphasises that after a baby it is crucial to set aside ‘couple time.’
“A newborn baby is a critical stage in the marriage,” Julia says. “The first priority will always be the baby, but once parents get past the first few months, a division should be made between time dedicated to the ‘parental’ couple and time for the ‘marital’ couple.” The time, energy and sacrifice involved in parenting can leave little energy for romance as parents adapt to major levels of stress and change, but the happiness of children is influenced by the state of their parents relationship so romantic getaways, candlelit dinners at home and regular dates which help to keep the spark in your relationship alive are paramount.
Old Rule: Sex is less important the longer you are married.
New Rule: Keep your marriage sexually satisfying.
Intimacy is and should continue to be an ongoing part of a healthy marriage. In your relationship, you should make time for yourselves both emotionally and sexually. This private time should be something that you both look forward to as it is a chance to leave other problems behind and indulge in each other! Julia explains that a husband and wife must still view themselves as a sexual couple and need to find a balance between work life, parental life and their sex life.
Old Rule: Money matters are solely the concern of the husband.
New Rule: Financial issues should be shared.
“In modern marriages, money is usually an issue that couples cope with quite well,” says Julia. “It is important that the partners in every relationship work out what is best for them. Whether that means a joint account for bills and separate accounts for spending money or one household account, there must be some sort of agreement over financial issues.” It’s unfair to expect one partner to shoulder the full responsibility of looking after the finances, and it’s unwise for the other partner to have no idea where and how the money is spent each month. Knowledge in this area brings security.
Old Rule: Family is priority.
New Rule: Couples need to be able to detach from their family ties and make their relationship the central focus.
“External family is often quite an issue for a newly married couple,” says Julia. “When one half of the couple are used to going to their parents for Sunday dinner and are close to their family and their partner has a more distant relationship with their family, the situation can become quite charged.” Of course a strong relationship with your family is to be encouraged, but not if it puts your own marriage at risk.
“If the husband was to confide in his mother for example and tell her the problems that he is having in his marriage rather than his wife, this would be a serious problem. A couple must realise that once married, priorities change and that their main focal point, best friend and confidant should be their partner.”
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