Ten Rules of Engagement Tips on how to turn lust into a loving and lasting relationship…
RULE 1:
Build Strong Foundations
A strong marriage needs strong foundations, these take time and effort to build, but the result is a marriage that will stand both the test of time and external pressures. Work on building your friendship and spending time together, but value the importance of time apart as well. Recognise and respect your differences and try to meet each other’s needs.
RULE 2:
Choose to Love each Other
Being newly in love is a wonderful experience - your emotions are heightened and you live in a state of ecstasy but no one can live at that intensity of emotion indefinitely. After a period of time the nature of your love will change and for it to deepen and grow you need to choose to work at your relationship together and not simply discard it when you hit difficult times. Continuing to love each other is a choice. The ‘til death do us part’ aspect of marriage is not an untouchable ideal, but a reality that is the result of a wilful agreement to keep love alive.
RULE 3:
Keep Talking
Lack of communication can make two people who love each other eventually feel like complete strangers. You can improve communications by learning how to express yourself honestly and how to listen. It’s much easier to learn these skills while engaged than several years into your marriage when bad habits have set in. Resolve to have no secrets and to share your thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams.
RULE 4:
Find Joint Solutions
When you first meet and fall in love it’s hard to imagine ever arguing, but conflict is inevitable. The key to resolving conflict is to learn how to handle anger appropriately. Never try to resolve a conflict late at night or just before an important occasion. Focus on the issue rather than on attacking each other and learn to negotiate and find a third way forward.
RULE 5:
Keep Short Accounts
To build a strong relationship with each other through engagement and into marriage, resolve to deal with hurt as it arises and keep short accounts with one another. First by choosing to identify and deal with hurt or misunderstandings and then by apologising and forgiving each other on a daily basis.
RULE 6:
Unpack your Baggage
Your engagement means that you and your fiancé are setting out on a new journey together. Before you begin you need to unpack the suitcase of your past, removing the baggage from previous relationships and experiences that may have a negative influence on your new life together
RULE 7:
Learn the Language of Love
Nothing compares to the euphoria of being in love, you feel like you are walking on air and it’s easy to say ‘I love you’ because that’s how you feel. Over time this fades a little and you need to cultivate love. Learning how to tell your partner that you love them in a way they understand is part of this process. Communicate your love through words, actions, time, gifts and touch. Learning each others love language and putting it into practice takes time and effort, but it’s a lifetime investment.
RULE 8:
Get Intimate
Your relationship will not stand or fall on the quality or quantity of sex alone, but developing a fulfilling sexual relationship is an important part of a successful marriage. This requires you to be completely open and honest with each other. Romance plays an important role here - romantic acts don’t need to cost a lot of money, they simply involve doing something that is outside routine.
RULE 9:
Spend What You Can Afford
When you are engaged you need to recognise and understand the different attitudes to money that you are each bringing into your marriage. Discover if you are marrying a spender or a saver, recognise your differences and plan your approach to money together.
RULE 10:
Keep on Building
Use your engagement to prepare not only for the wedding day but also for the years ahead. Consider taking part in a marriage preparation course and learn effective skills to help you build your relationship, then keep your marriage fuelled. Use the skills on a daily basis. Spend time together, have fun together and learn to say ‘I love you’ again and again.
Extract from Rules of Engagement by Katherine and Richard Hill, £6.99, Lion Books.
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